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TITLE: 185 
 
The first collabo between my rap alter ego, Quotidian, and Ted’s rap alter ego, The Eponymous MC.  I’ve been practicing freestyle rap in the car, and I figured what better way to train myself to freestyle toward a punchline than to rap Last-Chance-Game jokes? This is a compilation of the best of this week’s many, many car sessions…along with the final joke, which I obviously refined for the purposes of the song.

—Kit  

LYRICS

You’ve heard some improvised scenes,
and some improvised songs…
Now it’s time for some improvised standup.
 
CHORUS:
185 oh oh oh
185 … uh uh
185 oh oh oh
185.
 
(For example:) 
 
185 penguins, they walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.
Don’t try to fight it; I can’t serve you.”
The penguins say, “Oh no, WADDLE we do?”
 
CHORUS
 
(TREES!)
 
185 trees, they walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.
Last time I served you, it really stunk;
I just don’t want you driving TRUNK.”
185 trees, they walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.
You’ll get no more alcohol from here.”
The trees say “No, we want BARQ’s ROOT Beer”
 
CHORUS
 
(DOGS!)
 
185 dogs, they walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.”
The dogs say, “Hey, that’s quite all right.
After all, your BAR is worse than our BITE.”
185 dogs, they walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.
I can’t serve minors. That’s not how it’s done”
The dogs say, “We’re ROVER 21.”
185 dogs, they walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.”
The dogs say, “Watch out, this’ll come back to you.
Yeah we’re all lawyers; we SHIH TZU you!
…Yeah, we Shih Tzu you!”
 
CHORUS
 
(LAWYERS!)
 
185 lawyers pass! the! bar!
 
CHORUS
 
(PIGS!)
 
185 pigs, they walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.
Unless you come back to the mob we’ve all got a stake in.
The pigs say, “we try to leave, they just pull us *BAC*ON!
185 pigs walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.”
Then she says, “On second thought, maybe not; you’re fine!”
The pigs say “Hey BABE, what’s POR-CINE?” 
185 pigs walk in the bar.
The bartender says “I can’t serve what you are.
'Cause I lost all of my alcohol when aliens landed.
185 came in — I was so shorthanded.
Then they offered to purchase everyone their first round.
They argued in their gibberish; it was the worst sound.
And the decibels they reached with all their alien speech
broke every bottle in the place, and then they ordered two each
of every keg we keep in back and every cider in the bar
and every beer that was on tap and every can of PBR,
and then the dinosaurs arrived —yeah I was shocked they’re still alive—
they came with ninjas, doctors, dentists: all sets of 185.
They drank and drank all through the night, then I was thankful for the sight
Of 185 policemen coming to break up the fight…
Or so I thought at first until they came and tried to buy a drink,
And when I calmly tried to tell them no, they threw me in the clink!
And now I just got out of lock-up and I walked into my bar,
But I forgot to flip the OPEN sign to CLOSED, and here you are!
FML,” said the bartender, “This was an epic fail.”
The pigs said, “Wow, that was a TWISTY TAIL.”
 
CHORUS